Saturday, January 30, 2016

The end/the start. Maybe.

Last year I had to make a decision to get up and live.  This is my sons and I two day after I decided to eat again.


The thumbs up is that I can actually stand without passing out.  That was Christmas Eve. My sister had done so much for me and supported me through testifying in two very stressing court cases so I decided I needed to get up and eat.   In the 4 months prior I had become so anxious and had so many issue with flashback from my past I physically couldn't eat.  I had lost about 26 kilos by then.

Now 6 weeks later I am back on track, I've caused chronic damage to my quads, for someone that cycled 100 kms a week, walked 80 km and did yoga every day, now I do a little bit of swimming, walk minimally and do this. I am hoping its going to get better I love my exercise!


When I first started SUPPING again, I was still really not very strong, I'm don't really understand why as to get me through court my body seemed to be able to do anything. Now it's over it's not able to do much at all.  I went with the family and I ended up getting carried way out over to the middle island, I guess 2 km out.  I don't wear a life jacket I figure I am strong swimmer. I could not get back in, everytime I tried I would get pushed back out - this town can be very windy. I had also drifted 3 kms up from the family who by now we're not even facing the lake as the sun had gotten in their eyes. No one really noticed I was in trouble and anyway there were no water police, no one fishing and I am so stubborn like hell was I going to wave and shout "I'm in trouble" I was going to have to deal with this myself regardless.

I had to get on my knees to paddle I was so tired, I recognised I was fatigued and paddled really hard, finally getting somewhere, the realising I couldn't see my car or recognise the area I was paddling too and with dismay saw I had so many km's to get back to where I was.
I did get back, I got angry at the water, I got teary, I was in masses on leg pain by then, and I stood up and roared with the last bit of energy I had left.  I got back and went to step off the SUP and couldn't walk, my husband had to assist me and for 40 minute afterwards my quads would not support my weight. 

It felt like a bit of an epiphany really. I am still angry that people didn't let me drown after court, I could not cope with that verdict.  I took the risk of telling my story to be believed by some and it destroyed my soul.  But ultimately it's not them that can fix me either through this and the feelings this has brought up.  It's me. I can't work out what I have to do to fully heal yet but I guess it's going to come. I do know only I can fix me. No one else. Some days I feel unfixable, completely broken. Other days my angry days, I feel like there's hope. There's before court and there's after. Before was stress and anxiety, it could have all been avoided by the truth, acknowledgement and an apology and there's  after, feelings of devestation even with a guilty no apology when that was all I needed to start to heal. For my family this month is a time for moving on, my husband has started a new job.  It's wonderful for him, new opportunity and meeting new people for the first time in ages he sounds happy. He gets to live away from me for for 4 days each week.  I am glad for him. 
My children return to school this week. I will miss them, this past year has been the worst in all our lives, I am trying to reconnect with all of them.


My youngest and I have done some fishing, the eldest doesn't leave my side much we do a lot together, we rode the lake last week, first time I have actually been able to cycle more than 5 km, baby steps but getting there.
My middle child is harder, he has been terribly effected by the publicity, the comments, the stress on me. He does enjoy coming out on the SUP though so we do that.

I don't know when I will return to work, I'm shattered that's been effected so much, I need huge strength to do the work I do and it's my business built up over 10 years, I miss my clients terribly, but I need to be 100% healthy to start again.  I'm not ready yet.


We did make an effort for NYE just the family we don't mix so much, I am not ready to see many people yet, but the food was nice, My eldest and I prepared dinner so we could see out the worst year ever.

My friend Annie gave me these bulbs, I got them in pretty late, sometimes it takes me a while to get motivated, but they were the best suprise when I did get down to the garden in January. Some days I try garden for 30 minutes, it distracts me and I find after during that time my legs didn't ache, my mind wasn't sad. Something's working.


Just beautiful.

For myself I have no plans.  I can't even find the energy to fill in paperwork to receive help. So I will just try and be a Mum for a bit.

Next week I will speak to the Royal Commission into childhood sexual abuse.  My story involved 3 seperate instances all based or taken from institutions. The person I reported in 2013 and ultimately the Police took to court, her part was part of it. A small part though. Maybe one day I will be glad I reported it, not so much today though. Writing it all out had completely drained me, my story isn't unique that's the sad part, this stuff is just so prevalent. I am determined it gets told so much about it was wrong.

Sorry not a very positive post, life is like that sometimes.




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